What's Your Value?
Current mood:Loving

                             What’s Your Value?

Recently, I was asked to do a brief talk to a sales organization. Nothing big and elaborate, just a brief 10 minute talk. So I studied their culture and found some key points that were in their culture and not only spoke on them but also gave them examples of how those corporate beliefs applied to their personal lives as well. I made sure I gave them some new beliefs about their own personal power. That day they had their most powerful sales day that they had performed in a month. That got me to think about value.

I recently wrote to some Internet friends, “Love is not a microwave. It is not the sexual desire of lust nor is it the intoxication of infatuation.  Love is a crock pot. It not only accepts the flaws, it finds a way to make the best of those flaws and create a whole new and better flavor.” You see, when we meet new romantic interests, there is that rush of passion. You are attracted to them and you want physical contact with them. You find yourself wanting their body. But really, at that stage not too much matters about the person that they are. The next stage is infatuation. Here we think less with our crotch and more with our hearts. Unfortunately, our heart places blinders on our eyes. All we can see is what is great about that person. Family and friends may tell us, “Stay away from that one. What are you thinking?” but we don’t see it. That is the stage of infatuation. Over time (and only over time), we start to see the parts of the other person that are not quite what we would have asked for. When we find these “flaws”, we find ourselves with a choice. The choice is whether this flaw is a deal breaker or if we can live with it. Over more time, we come to find a new plateau. In this plateau we find we have either learned to put up with those flaws or we actually come to appreciate or even grow fond of that flaw. Now at THIS point, THIS is where we have found love. I can think of an ex where she did things that at first, I thought, “Is this a deal breaker?”, then later I realized I could put up with it and then one day I found I could predict when she would do it and when she did, I smiled because I knew that I loved that flaw. This is when I came to know I was truly in love with her. You see, love is not a microwave, it is a crock pot. Because in the “crock pot” of love, you come to find their true value.

Here locally, there is a radio station team (Mark and Mercedes in the Morning) where they discuss the “four seasons” theory. In that theory, they discuss how you need to go through a full four seasons (in other words a year) before you make your firm decision to marry that person. Now I am a Pisces. That means I always see the world through romance. I see the best in others. I look for the best in others. I love to point out the best in others. I always look to find the way that the relationship I am in can work. As many of my frequent readers remember, I have found and even proven that any two committed people can make a relationship work. The key words here are “two” and “committed”. If it’s only one person, it won’t work. If they are not fully committed, it may not work either. Now if you know my history, you know a mistake I made. I got married once to a GREAT woman. I truly would recommend that anyone that ever meets her keep her as a friend. But what I made a mistake with was marrying her before we had spent a full 4 seasons with her and I also forgot to ask exactly what her level of commitment was. We were married 5 months before I found that she was not going to keep her wedding vow to “Hold Rocky above all others”. For her, it was her family that would always come before me. So that was my error. We were not two committed people. Now the reason that four seasons can be important also can be traced to mental capacity. A great number of people have undiagnosed small levels of mental instability. Now there are two triggers for the majority of people (well, two triggers besides drugs and alcohol). These triggers are heat and dark. With heat, here is what happens. Scientists have discovered that the brain functions in varying degrees depending upon the temperature of the blood traveling through the brain. Cooler blood leads to more rational and even creative decisions. Hotter blood leads to more irrational decisions. So going through a hot summer can teach you about that person. The other trigger is dark.  Here is why. Sunlight triggers portions of the brain that releases endorphins. This is why tribal chiefs in South America make some of their tribal citizens sit and watch the sunset. The reason is that at sunset, the portions of the sunlight that can burn your eyes are filtered out and what comes through actually triggers the brain to release Lithium. So there are some people that go crazy as the sunshine decreases. I know of one man that went off the deep end and usually did so in the fall and winter. I heard he was eventually prescribed with Lithium. It didn’t surprise me. So these are two reasons why the four seasons rule applies.

Love is a discipline. Yes, it’s an emotion, but it’s also a discipline. And what is a discipline? I have come to find that a discipline is merely a series of choices. One decision at a time we make a choice. For instance I quit smoking at the age of 9. Yes that’s right, I quit smoking at the age of nine. I made a decision to be a non smoker. Do you know what a non smoker does? A non smoker doesn’t buy cigarettes and they don’t borrow them and they don’t smoke them. Whenever someone asks me if I want a smoke, I make the choice “no”. After a while, the decision became unconscious. So now it’s a habit. I have a habit of not smoking. Loving is the same way. You make a decision to be loving. And you make that decision again and again and again. Eventually it becomes a habit.

You have heard that charity begins at home? So does love. You must begin by loving yourself. You must be comfortable with who you are and love and forgive that person. Why? Because you can’t give away what you don’t have. When you don’t love yourself, you actually emit an energy of weakness. When you give off that energy of weakness, you become an easy target. Especially women. I know of many men that look for women and manipulate them because of their weakness. In fact I have one ex girlfriend and I can always tell when some guy is interested in her. How can I tell? Because they scour though my past blogs looking for clues to her weaknesses. All of a sudden my blog hits go through the roof. Here’s the worst part. Whatever you are when they become initially attracted to you is what they will want you to be. If you are feeling depressed they will want you depressed. If you are tired or stressed, they will want you that way. If you love who you are and are happy entirely with who you are then they will want you that way. Why? Because that is what they were attracted to. If you are weak, then they will want you to stay weak. If you are strong they will look to see more of the strength in you.

The value you hold in yourself draws you to your value in your love and relationships. If you don’t truly know that value you hold, you will do the “microwave” thing. You may rush into lust. You may rush into infatuation. And those feelings can be great. They have such power that you may even think you are in love. However, love is a crock pot. Love is the long simmering. It is not just putting up with, but also anticipating and even appreciating the flaws your partner has. I have one ex that tells me from time to time, “You are such a smart ass”, and I can now tell her, “Yeah and that’s why you love me”.

So where is your value? Are you only looking for love in the microwave or are you seeking it in the crock pot? Take a look at couples married a long time. Now I know many people who are the children of divorced parents. These people can’t seem to imagine themselves married long term. Why? Because in their world they saw that marriages don’t work. Me? My parents have been married 50 years. I have seen them go through some very tough times. But they always kept the discipline. They kept making the decision to love. And it just became a habit. They have come to the point where they don’t put up with each other’s flaws, they appreciate those flaws and laugh about them and love them.

So if you want to find that one relationship that will take you to the rocking chairs on the porch, then remember to:

1. 1)      Find the value in yourself
2. 2)      Make the decision to love daily
3. 3)      Be patient with love and remember that it is not a microwave but a crock pot
4. 4)      Wait 12 months before you make that final commitment
5. 5)      Appreciate the flaws you come to find in your partner

And remember these points from previous blogs:

1. 6)      Relationships are built on completely open, honest, and compassionate communication
2. 7)      Any two committed people can create a successful relationship
3. 8)      Take the time to “C” the situation before getting into it

As always, I look forward to your blog comments and kudos. In addition, let me tell you that I have been asked to give a one day workshop here in Las Vegas in early September. This workshop will be focusing on taking strides in self development to break old habits forever and create new empowering beliefs and habits to discover the parts of ourselves that hold our greatest power. If you would like to be on that invitation list, simply send me a separate email requesting to be on the list and I will forward your name to the promoter.

Aloha,

Rocky

 

 

 

 

 

Making Your Miracles
Current mood:miraculous!!!

                Making Your Miracles

People are talking about recession. People are talking about how bad times are. People are so much focusing on everything negative. And people are even trying to add more negativity from their delusions. In fact just as I started writing this, a psycho ex wrote me a note to trash talk Big. That’s why the psycho is forever out of my life no matter how much she tells me she loves me and wants me in her life forever. The negativity is something I have seen all around us. But as I was in the gym today, I realized that the moment has come. The time has now arrived for you and I to make our own miracles. Read on as I may be able to make a miracle occur for you too!

The story goes that a man hears the radio report saying that a flood is coming. That man says, “That’s okay. God will take care of me.” As the waters rise, a man comes by on a rowboat and offers the man in his home a boat ride to safety. The man refuses saying, “That’s okay. God will take care of me.” The waters became so high that the man had to escape up to his roof. A helicopter came by to rescue him. He refused saying, “That’s okay. God will take care of me.” Naturally the man died in the flood. As he arrived in heaven he said to God, “How could you let me die?  I thought you would save me?” God looks at him and says, “I sent a radio report, a man in a row boat, and a helicopter. What else did you want?”

If you are tired of bad times, tired of recession, tired of doing without, then take note: Now is the time for your miracle.

One of my mentors once told me that your market (meaning the real estate market and how good or bad it is) is all between your ears. And he is right.  When people say the real estate market is dead and nothing is happening the truth is this: EVERY day people are buying homes and EVERY day people are selling homes. So if you are the agent helping the people that ARE buying and selling the homes then the market is good, right?

I don’t know about you, but I say that NOW is the time for the recession to be over. Hey, I just read where 26 cities across the country are already said to be officially out of the recession. Banks are posting huge profits again. Opportunities are increasing everywhere.

But we can’t just SAY the recession is over. We must MAKE it over. We need to create our miracle. Just like Big. I have watched her for months try to find her miracle. The day that the decision clicked in her head as to exactly what she wanted and how she wanted it, the Universe complied and her miracle opened the door and she made it happen from there.

So what is important in creating your miracle???

1. 1)      Remember that LOVE expands, fear contracts and there is no question to which LOVE is not the answer. This means that whatever your miracle is, make sure it is inclusive not exclusive. In other words, Say what it is that you WANT and avoid wording it as what you don’t want.
2. 2)      Be passionate. Passion is the fuel that powers a miracle. If you only want it a little, it’s like trying to power a jumbo jet with a cup of gas. Try the opposite, put jet fuel in your lawnmower and watch it go!!! Bring your passion and emotion behind the goal you want.
3. 3)      WORK.  Yes that’s right. WORK!!! DO something to help make it happen. If you want to be salesman of the year, you better start by talking to people that would actually BUY your product or service. Make the plan on everything you can do to make your miracle happen and DO it! The law of attraction is great. But the law of ACTION is even GREATER!
4. 4)      Help make another miracle happen. Want your miracle to happen faster? Do what you can to make someone else’s miracle happen. The law of karma says that what you give out gets multiplied and comes back to you. Make miracles happen for at least 3 other people you know, and watch your miracle happen faster!
5. 5)      BE HONEST AND TRUTHFUL. Wow, now this is a big one. Most people fail to realize that in hiding the truth or telling a lie, you are coming from the energy of fear and that kills your miracle. Tell the truth. Even if you are afraid that it will hurt someone’s feelings or that someone may not like the truth and they may walk away forever. TELL THE COMPLETE TRUTH. When you bring your COMPLETE integrity to the Universe, the Universe brings its power to your miracle faster.
6. 6)      Focus on what you want. Life may try to distract you with people or circumstances or alternate paths to take. FOCUS on what you want and keep making progress towards what you want. One step at a time is all you need.  Just focus on that next step.
7. 7)      Build up other people. There is no reason to make other people feel bad. I know of one guy that doesn’t like that I have had a good relationship with his ex. So he writes letters to me specifically to try to make me feel bad. I only feel bad for his current girlfriend. He is not focusing on her and her daughter. Instead go out of your way to build people up.  Don’t just be polite. Sure you should be courteous and say things like, “Please”, “I’m sorry”, “Thank you”, etc… But go further than that. Compliment complete strangers. Tell someone you love them. Even more tell them WHY you love them. Notice people doing something right and tell them you noticed. The more you build others up, the more the Universe wants to give you exactly what you want.
8. 8)      When someone is bringing fear to your life – let them go. Some people will abuse you. They may hit you. They may steal from you. They may insult you. Whatever way they bring fear into your life, LET THEM GO! Fear in your life is like driving in reverse. People that come from fear can seem attractive, but they only suck the positive passion from your life like a vampire sucks the life blood from its victim.  Fear keeps you from going forward to what you really want. Just like the person I mentioned in the first paragraph, if you say something bad about one of my friends, then you are out of my life - forever. You want to be negative about someone I think is great? Then just watch how fast you are gone from my life. I only keep positive people in my life.
9. 9)      Tell the Universe EVERY day EXACTLY what you want. The more you speak it aloud, the faster it comes to you.
10. 10)   Notice even the smallest of miracles that happen in your life. One of my spiritual teachers said to me that she thought that angels watch us at all times and place small miracles in our path every day. She said that when we notice the small miracles, then the angels work even harder to make the big miracles happen.  She said that angels love to help those that appreciate it.

Okay, so now we have 10 guidelines to draw us to our miracle faster. So let’s do this: POST A COMMENT HERE FOR THE MIRACLE YOU WANT! At the end of this blog, please post your kudos and your comment. On your comment, be brief (140 characters or less) and state exactly the next piece you need in order to get to your miracle. Do you need use of a truck? Do you need a consultant? Do you need a connection?

For instance, in my current miracle, right now what I need are real estate agents (in any city of the US) that want to increase their business transactions now. So, if you can help me find them, then write me. When I see the thing you need for your miracle, if I can help, I will contact you as well.

Try to find 3 people you can help. Help them make their miracle happen and yours will happen as well. HERE IS THE COOL PART!!! With all these miracles happening, we will surely get the end to the recession as well. Love expands, fear contracts. There is no question to which love is not the answer.

Aloha,

Rocky

Sex & the single man: Rebirth

Rebirth

I had a teacher once that taught me about pine cones. You know, the ones where the cone has those rock hard thorns on them? He told me the seeds were in the thorn and them asked me how many times I had ever seen the seeds from inside the thorn. I had to admit that I never had. Then he showed me why.  The seeds inside that thorn are protected by that thorn. The thorn is just about impossible to break open. But the thorn DOES break open. Under one condition. It bursts open and throws its seeds everywhere when it is the middle of a fire. You see, nature KNOWS that fires will occur every once in a while. So nature plans for it. It places the seeds for the next forest in such a way that the seeds only get spread out in a fire when they are needed most. Now, in 2009, we need to understand that while we have seen a "forest fire" of our economy in the last 18 to 24 months, it is all a part of the natural cycle and now is the time to plant our new seeds. Now is the time for the rebirth of ourselves and our economical forests.

I have done a great deal of reflecting lately. It was one year ago this weekend that I first met Big in person. I look back on those days and I see how much I have changed.  I remember my thoughts. I rememeber how I tried to impress her. I rememeber what I used to think was important. Now that has all changed. While Big is moving on and moving back to her home state in the midwest, as we have hung out as friends lately, I have seen so very clearly how the way she has allowed me to be a part of her family in the last year, it changed me. Now I can tell you that Big has felt very badly at times about what has happened in the past between us. She has stated several times that she feels she has caused me a great deal of pain and heartache. While it's true I would have rather not have had the breakups we did have, I see those now as a part of my own emotional forest fires that led to my new rebirth.

Just because circumstances have brought you emotional, financial, or physical pain or suffering, there is no need to sit in your suffering and throw your own pity party. Maybe those circumstances were God's way of bringing you your own personal forest fire to stimulate the new better growth within you. Maybe you even chose to have these specific circumstances in this life as a part of how you chose to learn your lessons in this lifetime.

Last September was a huge wakeup call. Big and I had just had a bad breakup. I sought alcohol and long nights out as my way of not facing the circumstance. Then I went on a trip to San Diego. As I left, I was expecting around $10,000 in commissions to be paid to me within the following few weeks. 3 days later, I saw that I might only get half of that and a week later I found I was getting none of that. If you have only lived on a steady salary, you may never know what kind of a panic that can bring you. But as I look back now I see it was just a forest fire leading to my rebirth. In fact, because of that multiple companies have been seeking me out in the last few months trying to hire me. There are thousand of people in this town that can't find ONE job and I am being offered many. And the opportunities are better than the one I left last year.

As I look back on my year with Big, I see how all the difficulties we went through made me stretch who I was as a man and as a lover. Big has made me a much better mate for whomever I find myself with in the future. She never scolded me or chastised me or lectured me. All she did was be herself and I learned so much. She gave me the most romantic and special gift I ever received and that is despite the fact that the gift was a fraction of the cost of many other gifts I have receieved from past relationships. Big has allowed new seeds to grow in my emotional forest that rely much more on the heart than on the superficial. The other night, I was her guest for dinner. As we went to an arcade with her son that night, there was a time she wandered off to do something and he just gave me a big hug. For no reason. Right out of the blue. It put such a huge lump in my throat that I actually tear up now as I think about it. Forget a $200 dinner or a $500 gold chain to move me. The hug of a child is what I find more valuable. My forest has grown and brought a much more beautiful view.

We watched "Marley & Me" last night. I think I was the last person to know what the movie was really about.  I thought it was a romantic comedy. Yeah, after the movie was over I did need my Kleenex. But the story did remind me of all my pets I have had. I remembered Aki for one. Aki was a beautiful cinnamon cockatiel. She taught me so much about what love is. I was a mean condesending SOB back in those days. I would come home and not want anything to do with anybody. She would have none of that.  As I sat down on the couch she would march herself right over to me and push her head underneath my fingertips. She did this because she wanted me to scratch her neck.  That is what she loved best. No matter how cantankerous I felt that day, she would push and push and push until her head was under my fingertips and I started scratching her neck. As if to say, "Hey you! Don't take yourself so damned seriously. Give up the stupid act and just love me." She even went further. She started laying infertile eggs in her cage to prove to me that she was a female. She wanted me to mate with her so that we could have baby chicks. One morning as I was leaving to work, I was walking down the stairs of my old apartment and I heard a horrifying scream from my ex-wife. I ran up the stairs went inside and saw what the matter was.  Aki had died in the night. She had tried to lay another egg for me, became egg bound and died. She died proving her love for me. I buried her in my parents back yard and planted a small living Christmas tree from the previous Christmas just above the grave I had layed her down into. Everytime I go back to my parents back yard I say a prayer at that tree. And every Christmas, seeing Christmas trees reminds me of Aki. From that forest fire I am always reminded that I should never take myself too seriously. The seeds planted remind me to love everyday. Because tomorrow, we may not have that opportunity to love that person or that pet.

Many people have been feeling the burn of their economic forest fires. They see how they have been "burned" or "destroyed" in the past 18 to 24 months. But as they awaken every morning, they now need to realize that the seeds have been planted and they have a new oportunity to nurture those seeds and create their brand new forest. Many people now realize how the things they used to chase don't have the importance they once thought. Many people have had to give up lavish dinners out or a new car every single year. What they have found is that a dinner in can be even more special. And maybe walking hand in hand around the block to the store can be a romantic loving time instead of just a chore to be dreaded. Perhaps they see their seeds of their new beautiful forests merging because of the past fire.

Recently, I have been hearing about Pink. She and her husband Corey Hart had a very romantic courtship and marriage.  But then the marriage became stressful and they divorced. She wrote songs like "So What" about her ex. But then as the smoke cleared in the fire she was also singing songs like "Please Don't Leave Me". You see in the forest fire of their divorce, it seems they both found the seeds of what is really important. And so they are now back together. She says it feels funny now singing "So What" knowing that she is so in love with Corey.

Our forest fires in our lives may feel painful and even hopeless but we must always remember that the forest fires in our lives lead to our rebirth. They lead to our new seeds growing. They lead to even greater beauty. As we experience that beauty, we must savor it. For we know that eventually however many decades in the future, another fire will come. It is not cruelty. It is just natures way of renewing us and renewing the world.

As always, I would love for you to leave your comments and kudos.

Aloha,

Rocky

What does love COST?

What does love COST?

No, I'm not referring to my friend that works at the Chicken Ranch and tells me stories of charging men $10,000 for a night. I'm also not talking about my friend who works as an "escort" that charges men thousands of dollars mostly to build up their ego. No, I'm talking about something else. Okay, so one night I'm in a nice sushi bar with a friend and her son that's in the third grade. We are talking about life, school, food… and here's this increasingly louder conversation 4 chairs over. A conversation that was meant for girl to girl talk but ended up (maybe because of alcohol) being a conversation that 15 people in the restaurant could all clearly hear. This woman is talking about her 7 year marriage and how she hasn't had any sex in 2 years. She's talking about how she wants to see how can get sex, wondering who she can get sex from, and what kind of sex she wants. Then the other night this one woman tells me she is afraid to get into a relationship that may be coming her way. Why? Because she is afraid she will hurt him or he will hurt her. This reminded me of a relationship in the past where I had been blindsided by my girlfriend leaving me and immediately going to be with someone else. And so I thought what is the cost of love? And how do we make sure the cost is NOT too high?

Assuming that you have mutual attraction and love, then the cost is simple. It requires 3 things. Communication, commitments, and agreements. So let's take a quick look at all three.

1. 1)     Agreements. All relationships both business and personal are based on agreements. I have basic agreements that I want in my relationships. I know what I want and what I don't want. So, I make specific agreements to confirm exactly what I want in the relationship. You see, one of the reasons relationships fail is that people ASSUME that they are right in what they want.  They ASSUME that their partner should always know exactly what they want. So, to use agreements, you ask for EXACTLY what you want. If your partner agrees, then you have an agreement. Only if you or your partner breaks the agreement will there be an issue. If there was no agreement upfront, then there is no right to be upset. So, in creating more agreements right up front, you have mutually agreed what you want in this relationship and you have both helped to create a longer and healthier relationship.
2. 2)     Commitments. This is key. ESPECIALLY if you believe in "The Secret" or the power of intention. You see, I believe that ANY two committed people can make a relationship work. The biggest keys here are TWO and COMMITTED. If only one person is committed, it's not a relationship that will work.  Instead you'll see affairs (of both sexual and emotional intimacy) that will destroy the relationship. But when you are committed to the relationship, you focus on its success.  By the law of attraction, focusing solely on success draws success to you much faster. If you focus on what can or will go wrong, then you will draw that faster. Both people must take the simple step to say, "In this moment, this relationship makes me happy and so I want to do all I can to make this work." Mind you, when you make this commitment at the beginning of a relationship, you are NOT saying "'til death do us part" obviously that is extreme for a first month. What you are saying is that IN THIS MOMENT you are committed to making the relationship work. Now what that means is that you will keep your agreements. You will also communicate (which we'll talk about next). When something arises in the relationship that you can NOT live with or is outside of your agreements, you must communicate with your partner what is wrong. This is all a part of the commitment. Again, if you are just starting out remember the commitment is not 'til death do you part. The commitment is that TODAY I will do all I can to make this work. And remember that when you wake up tomorrow, that is a whole new TODAY that you are committing to.
3. 3)     Communication. Communication is like oxygen to a relationship. Just try holding your breath for an hour and you'll see what I mean. Personally, one of the agreements I ask for in a relationship is always to have completely open, honest, and compassionate communication. For instance, I am aware of a couple that broke up because the woman didn't communicate some fears that had been going through her mind and her heart. When you remember that fear is merely False Evidence Appearing Real then you can understand this better. You see a fear can appear 100% real to the person feeling it. It can feel like fact instead of opinion. Only through completely open, honest, and compassionate communication can those fears be dissipated. While that couple is trying to make things work again, it is only if the woman will communicate her fears more that they have any chance. But in my opinion, the communication must have 3 elements. First, it must be honest. If you build a relationship on lies, you have nothing.  As they say, "The truth will set you free." Lies are the walls that we place between us and other people. I have often said that I would rather hear the ugly truth instead of a pretty lie any day. That includes the truth that she is having second thoughts about me or is thinking that this just isn't working.  Let me restate that. I mean to say I ESPECIALLY want to know if she is having those thoughts or feelings. Only by being honest can a couple ever hope to find out how to make the relationship right.  Or find if it is really time to let the relationship go. Second, it must be completely open. If you hide things from your lover, then you are coming close to the area of lies. All you hide becomes another piece of that wall you place between you two. There was one time a girl I was dating started placing her hand between she and I when we kissed.  Like she was pushing me away. That is how I learned she had been hiding something from me. She had been hiding the fact that she thought the relationship was over.  I had been clueless since she had not communicated any misgivings at all. Third, it must be compassionate. There is never a requirement to call names, or scream, or yell, or use profanity as a weapon. None of your words or tonality should ever be used as weapons. Using your communication in a compassionate manner allows you to create more of an ease with open and honest dialog in the future. After all, this is not a war, this is love and love should be all you want to communicate. Not aggression or manipulation.

Now in my circumstance that I had been through in the past, the relationship suffered because of weaknesses in all 3 elements. We did have agreements about communication. She did not keep them because she never told me she thought we were done until after she left. Her commitment was also lack since she had been reaching a level of emotional intimacy with someone else during our relationship. And as you must already realize, her level of communication with me was abysmal. That is why I was SO DEVASTATED when she left me. That is why I say if you want to keep from hurting someone or being hurt in a relationship, you need to start by using these three elements habitually.

The cost of love? Communication, commitments, and agreements. What can this mean to you?  Well if you are that woman at the sushi bar, you need to pay the price of communicating your dissatisfaction and your fears of what has happened and what that means. You then need to create new agreements as to what you want and also what you are willing to give in order to receive what you want. But if you pay that price, what is the payoff? You can get what you want. Imagine a person that loves you completely. A person that gives you what you want. A person that makes you happy. And what of the woman that is afraid to get hurt or to hurt the other person? Well, I advised her to communicate at the first sign of fears or discontent.  That way her mate can help her with agreements that serve her needs. He can support her wishes and opinions. And if she communicates what she needs or what she wants and he doesn't agree, then at least they will know they did all they could to make it successful. If you both do all you can to make it work, there will be no need to worry about getting hurt. Things may not work out, but you will both know you did all you could to make it work.

I once had a client tell me that, "I'm not that type. I don't communicate what I'm feeling. Especially when my fears are kicking in."  Well, that's fine. Argue for your limitations and they will surely be yours. But if you want a successful relationship, you'll have to start doing things differently. You'll have to start using agreements, commitments, and communication. After all, that is the cost of love. If you are interested, you'll find more information and specific tools on creating successful relationships in my earlier blogs.

As always, I hope this may have helped you and I would love to hear your comments and kudos on this blog.

Aloha,

Rocky

Detours

Detours

 

Life is a highway. That is what the song says, right? They just forgot to let you in on one little secret. While life is a highway and we all have the ability to name our destination and plot out our routes by looking at a map, it is the detours in life that define and even enrich your life. These detours brought me to Vegas, a friend of mine to the army, and the whole world to China.

When I was growing up, my parents took me on a summer vacation every year. For four weeks every summer we traveled the roads of America. People don't do today what we did back then. You see, there were very few interstate highways back then. Most of our travels involved state highways. You know, those roads everyone says take too long to get there? That may be, but I'll tell you what my pay off was. Because we had to stop for stoplights and slow down to 30 MPH inside the town instead of zipping by at 75MPH on the interstate, I was given the gift of FEELING what the town was like. That is something I will always cherish. I met people I would have never met. Ate at the local restaurants where people have had the same table for 20 years and "Everybody knows your name". I didn't just see America I became a part of Americana.

The detours in your life can do the same thing. You may plan on going one way but find the detour taking you the opposite direction will give you a much greater and highly UN-anticipated payoff. But that payoff is ENTIRELY up to you.

You see the word is called precession. It's actually why the Earth revolves in an orbit instead of just going in a straight line. Nature has many examples of precession. Like bees and flowers. Bees go from flower to flower so that they can take the pollen back to their hive and make honey. The unique precession to the situation is that as the bee flies from flower to flower, he inadvertently cross-pollinates the flowers which in turn create more flowers.

I heard a story a few weeks ago that took place back in 1971. There was a table tennis (you might call it ping pong) tournament in Japan. One day a young American (Glenn Cowan) wasn't paying attention and ended up taking the wrong bus to the tournament. On the bus ride, he discovered he was not on the bus for the American players, but on the bus for the Chinese players. For those of you that don't know, relations between our two countries were VERY bad back then. Well the grand champion player for China (Zhuang Zedong) came up and greeted the American. He even gave him a small gift. Well news of this made its way to the leaders of China.  Chairman Mao actually thought it was wise to invite several countries including the United States to send their best players to China for several days of exhibition play and cultural exchange. This may seem quite minor to young readers. Those of us from that age remember that it was considered a HUGE gesture just to open up that much. It was the following year that Richard Nixon made his historic visit to China. 37 years later China hosts the Olympics. How did that whole chain of events start? With a simple detour.

To give a personal example I can tell you a story about me that happened about 9 to 10 years ago. In 1998, I took a self development course because I wanted to overcome the fear I had of talking to a beautiful woman in a one on one conversation (I actually dated one girl for 4 months before I ever kissed her because I was so scared to see if she was attracted to me or not). So my original destination was to overcome the fear. However along the way I discovered something that was dormant inside of me. I found that I was very adept at teaching the same material. So that started the next journey. I started to become the number 1 assistant trainer in that company. Now at the time, I had a fine life. A job where I made easy money, a great home that was walking distance to everything I wanted and just a short 5 minute drive to the beach. I loved my life. As I focused on being the number 1 assistant trainer for this seminar company based in Las Vegas, I met a woman in Las Vegas (I was living in San Diego at the time). I fell in love with her. She was my new detour. You see I could have pursued the trainer position from San Diego, but I do terrible at long distance relationships so I had to move to Vegas to be with her. After I moved here, the training company developed numerous challenges. Those detours still allowed me to do a local TV show as well as host a local radio talk show. However, both the woman and the training position faded away. The detour left me in Vegas where I have met some amazing people; I am part of an industry that I had previously resisted where I am making great money, and I have found an amazing woman that surpassed my dreams. But I never would have found any of these if it had not been for the detours of my life.

What are the detours of your life? Getting married? Getting a divorce? Having a child? Losing a job? Losing your home? One of the core beliefs I have in my life is that "Everything happens for a purpose and it serves me." I also believe that "Frustration leads to inspiration" and "Confusion immediately precedes enlightenment". With these three beliefs as a part of my core, it has been easier to deal with the detours. Maybe you went through that horrific divorce so that you would REALLY appreciate that perfect mate coming your way. Or maybe that divorce is a detour taking you to the path where you serve others and help them through their divorce crisis. Maybe the reason you were abused is so that you would become an advocate for victim's rights. Maybe you had mentally ill people do terrible things to you so that you would start to make people aware of the challenges society has with the mentally ill. If you believe that everything happened for a better purpose, you realize you are confused about it and you take your frustration and create an inspiration to make the greatest good from your detour, perhaps your payoff will be better than you ever imagined.

A friend of mine came to me several months ago. She asked me about joining the police force. She asked me to use my intuition and let her know if it was the right thing to do. I told her the message I received for her was precession. Meaning go forward on this path because along the way a detour will come up which takes you to what you really want. Sure enough, she found along her path to the police force that she actually wanted to do something different. She is now heading into the army to do something that really makes her happy.

So take this with you today: there is NO such thing as a pure failure. All that happened is you received results that were different than what you intended. Look at the results just long enough to learn from them and then move on in your new direction. The new detour you are on just may take you to a place in your life you never dreamed of!

I always LOVE to hear from my readers. Please feel free to leave me a blog comment and let me know of your experiences. And I always love to see the new people that subscribe to my blog. That always makes me feel good. I look forward to hearing from you.

Aloha,

Rocky

How to NOT date a psychopath (Part 2)

HOW NOT TO DATE A PSYCHOPATH (PART TWO)

 The biggest key that we have looked at in part one is how changing the thoughts you hold in your mind change the results you get in your life.  We started with eliminating certain words that weaken us. The next step is to eliminate a very common perception that is weakening our society like a silent epidemic.

In the 1950s people stood up and took responsibility for their actions. The culture in America was to be an upstanding member of society and be honest, loving, responsible, and successful. And if you were not, it was YOUR FAULT!

Something started changing in the 1960s but exploded in the 1970s. It started with the "ME generation". People stopped caring about what was good for the neighborhood or what was good for society. They were only interested in what was good for themselves. Lying became acceptable. So did breaking laws. So did going on welfare instead of getting a job. And the biggest part of this shift was that it was okay because all you simply did was BLAME SOMEONE ELSE AND BE THE VICTIM. Now if all you want is to get by with as little effort as possible and not have to do anything, go ahead and be the victim. What the heck, get on Jerry Springer and receive your 15 minutes of fame for being the victim. Just realize what your outcome will be. Victims are never in control. Victims are the tumbleweeds of society. Getting tossed around by the winds of fate from one place to another. All I ask you is "Does that serve you?" Do you want to spend the rest of your life that way?

The alternative to being a victim is to be a VICTOR! Be triumphant. Savor your victories and create new ones. Even in what you may have felt were your worst experiences or your worst defeats.

I will give you an extreme case because it makes the milder cases so much easier to grasp. What is the extreme case? A rape victim. Before you rush to judgment, hear me out and read what these women have done to create a better outcome for their lives. Just because a woman was raped does NOT mean she must play the victim for the rest of her life. She can realize she made choices. I met a rape victim that we'll call Janet. I worked with her to get her through the resulting fears and traumas she was dealing with. She chose to go along with the rape because to refuse the rape would have meant losing her life. Do you understand me? So what we helped her discover was that while she was raped, she still was a victor because she chose to save her life and she should be proud of how she did so. I trust this is coming through. Janet was not a victim. Janet chose to allow the rape so as to save her life. If she had fought the attacker, she KNEW she would be killed. This does NOT mean she wanted the rape or "asked for" the rape. It means at the choice of the being raped or losing her life, she chose the rape. Since she saved her life, she now sees herself as the victor. Since she sees herself as the victor, she now has healthy romantic relationships where once she was bitter towards all men and hated to be approached romantically.

Surely if Janet can do this, then those that claim they are victims because they didn't get straight A's in school or never went to the prom or had to live in an apartment instead of a house, etc… should get up out of their 'pity party', dust themselves off and enjoy the victories they can create in this day. Make sense?

If you see yourself as a victim, then you create a victim future for yourself. Just as we learned earlier about how words change the quantums around us, so do our thoughts of our "roles". There are some people who say, "I never win anything" and sure enough, they never do. There are people I've met who say "I always win these raffles" and sure enough, they win more raffles than you would ever think is possible.

With all this being true, what are the "roles" you want to see yourself in when you picture yourself in your mind? I heard a woman just yesterday say, "If there's a bipolar man in the room, I'll find him and I'll date him. That's what I always do. I hate it but it always happens." Where do you think her role will take her?

Do you want to stop dating psychopaths? Then only see yourself dating healthy loving people. Goodness knows I have been learning this lesson lately too. Not that I have been dating psychopaths, but I have been dating women who are great women, just not the right type for me. Funny thing is that when I wrote part one of this blog, a woman who is really far more like what I knew I really wanted entered into my life. I just had to refocus and see myself in this new role. If I had not been able to refocus, I would have never been able to see myself in a relationship with such a wonderful woman. She absolutely rocks my world and makes my every day amazing. What would you rather have – a psychopath or someone that rocks your world?

One woman I dated recently had a very unique role. She saw everything in a very extreme black or white role. It seemed everything in her life was either "Brought to me as a gift from Jesus" or "Sent by Satan to destroy me". As a third party on the outside I could see that neither was true. Jesus never entered the room nor did Satan. She had full control at all times of what she was doing. She was not the victim of Jesus or Satan. She was a woman making good or bad decisions and experiencing their outcome. Can you guess what her outcome was? Well, what I observed was a type of bipolar behavior. Things were either the absolute best or the absolute worst - including me. One hour she thought I was the absolute best the next hour she thought I was the absolute worst. And here I was observing it and noticing that I was just me the whole time.

So be very observant of two things:

1. 1)    The role you see yourself in.
2. 2)    The roles that those around you see themselves in.

Both of these play a HUGE role in your life. Even the roles that others see themselves in will affect you. After all if they see themselves as someone who rules don't apply to, then you can bet they will break the rules in your relationship. I recently spoke with someone who said her ex claimed that he would never get caught. Well if someone sees themselves as a person that would never get caught, do you think he cared about rules? HELL NO! He eventually went to jail after assaulting her and also his own father. Likewise if you know someone who sees themselves as a victim then you can bet at one point they will place you in the role of their victimizer.

The more you watch this in you and around you, the faster you will see it. I recently met someone who said they were a peaceful person. They said they studied a very peaceful philosophy. The funny thing was that the more we talked, the more I heard them complain about things. Complain about anything and everything. It got to the point in our phone conversations where I couldn't keep up with when she stopped complaining about one thing and had started complaining about another. I mentioned peace in a few conversations but she kept going back to complaints. That's when I realized I would never find peace in that friendship. You see what your friends focus on is what they bring into their life. As long as you stand near them, what they bring into their life they will bring into yours just by proximity. Imagine a huge wave of water hitting your friend that you are standing just 12 inches away from. You WILL get wet as well!

So chose the roles in your life that serve you and bring you peace. Chose the roles that bring peace to all those around you as well. Choose the roles that bring you joy. Likewise chose roles that bring joy to all those around you.

I look forward to receiving your blog comments on this blog and how you relate to it. Please let me know!